‎”Alright, Mr. Favreau, we’ve got everything you asked for. We got cowboys. We got aliens. We got James Bond. We got Indiana Jones. We got the super-hot chick from House, and she’s willing to get strategically naked. We also got a lot of great character actors ready to fill the supporting spots. And we’ve got a super big budget so that we can make sure our FX are top-notch. We’re ready to go. Any last minute direction?”

“Yeah, let’s make sure we make it boring.”

“Oh, of co….wait, what?”

“Boring. I want it boring.”

“Sir, with all due respect, I’m not even sure that’s possible with all these ingredients.”

“Of course it is. We’ll just make it too long, and have the alien scenes be really few and far between, and the long gaps in the meantime will be filled with really uninteresting, cliched Western stuff that just sort of lays there flat on the screen.”

“OK, I guess I just don’t understand why you’d want to make a bad movie…”

“I didn’t say ‘bad,’ I said ‘boring.’ ‘Bad’ would at least give it some camp value, and maybe justify a cult following. That’s not what I’m looking for. There can be a couple decent enough action pieces, and a few fun characters, just enough to sort of keep the viewer mildly interested. But overall I want the whole thing to just have a sort of mediocre feel, the kind of movie they’ll probably forget about the day after seeing it, you know?”

“Well, I just don’t…”

“Oh, and let’s make sure to include some really obvious plot holes, too. Like maybe the whole time the hot chick from House has some critical knowledge about the aliens that would really help the heroes, but for no good reason  she doesn’t share it with anyone until the beginning of the third act. And while we’re at it, let’s say something about how one of the aliens’ greatest weaknesses is an inability to see in bright light, but then minutes later we’ll have them running around the desert in bright sunlight with absolutely no ill-effect whatsoever.”

“I’m not sure Mr. Craig and Mr. Ford are gonna be very happy about this…”

“They’ll be fine. Oh, and make sure to tell Craig to try not to bring any personality to his character, and instruct Ford to just deliver every single one of his lines like a grumpy old man. While you’re at it – you know how at the start of the movie, their two characters hate each other, but by the end they have developed a grudging respect and actually kind of friends? Yeah, well, leave that, but remove all the scenes in the middle where we actually see that bond start to form, so that it just feels really weird and unnatural when suddenly Ford starts being nice to him.”


“And one last thing. Make sure our aliens look exactly like the ones in every other alien movie that has come out over the last few years. I don’t want them to be cool or interesting in any way.”

“Sir, are you sure about all this? A lot of people are really looking forward to this movie. I know in particular a Trevor Snyder of Canton, Michigan has been more excited for this than any other movie of summer 2011.”

“Yeah, well…fuck that guy.”

This review was originally posted at Trevor Likes Movies on July 31st, 2011.